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It's Tommy Cooper!

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very much, ladies and gentlemen.

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You've all no doubt seen that wonderful
trick I've shown a lady in half.

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You have?

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What the hell with it?

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I shall never forget the last time I did
that. I can see it now. The lights, the

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applause, the costumes, the blood.

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Just before the show, the producer said
to me, he said, how are you tonight?

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I said, well, I'm feeling a little bit
funny.

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He said, well, get out there before it
wears off.

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I went to the local cinema the last
night and I saw the slimy, one -eyed,

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-man monster.

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He's been a manager of their phrases.

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Do you know, last week, because we got a
load of this, last week, an insurance

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man came up to me, you see, and he said
to me, I said, I've got plenty of

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insurance. He said, no, he said, just
listen first.

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See? He said, are you listening? I said,
yes, I am.

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So, no, I was.

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And I looked at him, I looked at him
like that, I looked him square in the

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yeah, square eyes, and I said to him, he
said, look, you pay tuppence a week for

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50 years, that's all, and when you get
to 90, you get £100.

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He said, I know it's not much, but it's
a starting line.

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You know, we've been rehearsing the
shows, which you know, and a couple of

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nights ago I was leaving late, see, and
I was going home, I had two bags with

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me, and I'm just... Grips, grips.

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And, well, you know, a policeman can
stop you after midnight, can't they?

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They're allowed to do that.

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Am I right?

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There are, aren't they?

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So this policeman stopped me, and he
said, what have you got in that grip

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A bit harsh, he was.

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I said, in there, I've got sugar from a
tea.

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He said, what have you got in that one?

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I said, I've got sugar from a coffee.

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And he took his little truncheon out, he
went, boom!

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He said, there's a lump of your purple.

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What

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happened

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then? What happened?

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Now, you get this ball here.

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Good evening.

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You get this ball here like this, you
see.

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Anything I can do for you?

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Possibly, yes. My name is Winterbottom.

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That's a bit chilly for you.

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But don't mind me, Mr Cooper. Carry on.
Oh, thank you.

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I'm just doing a trick with a ball, you
know.

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Just throw it there like that, you see.
Push it in the hand there like that.

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Boop. Just appears there. Go in your
pocket.

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And then it is there like that, look.

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One, two, three balls there like that.
Now watch this very, very closely.

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Here we go. I want you to pay a lot of
attention to this because later on I

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shall ask questions.

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I've placed one ball in my pocket, like
that.

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One ball in the hand and one in the
pocket. Everybody's in the hand.

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Now look, we'll start again. Three balls
there like that.

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And two, look. One, two, three.
Everybody's in the hand, quick.

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Two, no, one. How's that?

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Look,

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who are you?

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I'm a censor.

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My card.

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Well, there's nothing on it.

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Naturally, it's been censored.

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Saves me a fortune in printing costs.

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Oh, I see.

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Ada Spade, or Rana Spade, does anything
I say, come down.

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Oh, thank you.

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I say, what are you doing here?

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Well, it's my job to see that nothing
offensive creeps into the show.

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Well, no -one's watching. Why don't you
creep back out again?

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Tell me, Mr Cooper, have you read the
ITA rule book?

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No, but I saw the film with Doris Day
and Bazarath.

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Bone. Got a bone stuck up my throat.

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Very amusing.

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The rule I'm referring to is one which
says that no offensive material must be

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used in television shows.

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Those glasses, for instance, those ought
to go.

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Why? Well, glasses suggest drinking.

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Drinking suggests alcohol.

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And alcohol suggests alcoholism.

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I think we'd better get rid of those.

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Family show, Mr Cooper.

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Carry on, please.

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Thank you.

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Right, for my next trick, before I
start, I'd like to show you there's

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up my sleeve.

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See?

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There is nothing up my sleeve.

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Here's a trick with the packed cards.

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Just a moment, Mr Cooper.

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Not the cards, please.

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Why not?

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Well, cards suggest gambling, and that's
one of the evils of our society. No,

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I'd better get rid of those.

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It's a family show, remember?

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A bunch of flowers, a pair of scissors,
watch very closely now. Stop, stop.

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Now, watch better now. What are you
doing?

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Well, just a bunch of flowers. Just a
bunch of flowers?

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Just a bunch of flowers?

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And you're going to destroy them by
cutting their heads off with scissors?

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Well, it's only a trick.

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I mean, I'll go woof all of that, and
they'll appear back on there again. Oh,

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murderer.

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Here's a gun. Now, watch very closely.
Stop!

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No guns. No, no. Guns definitely out.
That incites violence.

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No, I can't take any more.

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That's all I can take from you. What?
I've had enough. Right. Okay, thank you

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very much.

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What are you doing?

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I've just had enough. What do you mean?
Hey! Oh, no!

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Oh, stop!

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Oh, Duke! Put me down!

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What's happened, mister?

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Who are those people? Well, that was my
wife and kids.

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They always come to the studio.

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It's a family show, remember?

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Other people's jobs.

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Welcome to Other People's Jobs, the
informative television feature which

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young people to decide what they want to
do with their lives.

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And this week we suggest some exciting
sports you can choose from, as we say,

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you want to be a sportsman.

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I'd like to see the all -in wrestling.

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Five shins?

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Yes, certainly. Thank you very much.

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And now for the winner of the
championship,

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the man who...

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23 rounds, had thrown the most powerful
right hook in the history of fighting.

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Rocky Figgins!

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Oh,

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what's this for?

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Oh, good luck.

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One, two, three, four, five.

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Just a minute.

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I'll do the counting.

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Get a doctor.

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I feel great.

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Never been so fit in all my life.

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All right, Cooper, you're on.

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How are you feeling, Tom? Great, really
great.

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All right, nice and loose. Ready?

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Look at my opponent over there.

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Just look at him.

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His little short legs and flat head.

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That's the two.

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That woman told me you're doing great.
Lost six or seven rounds. He hasn't laid

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a glove on you.

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No? Well, keep your eye on the referee.

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Somebody's hitting me.

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take you to a bridge somewhere in
London.

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Quick, quick, there's a man in the
river.

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A man in the river? Yes.

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Are you sure? Of course I'm sure.

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Who said that? He did.

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Who did? The man in the river. I tell
you, there's a man in the river.

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You're right, there is a man in the
river. Now, somebody ought to jump in

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save him.

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Do you know, I've just got to say that
myself.

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Somebody should jump in there and save
him. Yeah, well, I would, but I can't

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swim. You can't swim? No.

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Well, it's easy. Look, just do this,
look. Put your hands like that first.

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can't. Just try.

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Just try. Do that, and then do that. Now
turn. I'll never learn. You will. Just

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try. Like that. Turn, and like that.
That's it. Hold.

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Go on. There, there.

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That's it. Oh, no. Lovely.

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Go on, like that. Now kick your leg like
that as well.

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Help!

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He's coming. He's coming.

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a born swimmer. Not so difficult, is it?

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Now, keep going. Now, get on the ledge.

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I'm coming with you.

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There you go.

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Now, jump in.

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Oh, no, no.

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Oh,

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I forgot to tell you. When you're doing
that, breathe in and out like that.

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Almost to get out. Oh, you're out.

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He's out.

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Oh, good.

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It's all right. He's out.

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He jumped in to save you, you know.

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No, he's in trouble.

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Can you swim?

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No, of course I can't swim.

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Well, no, it's easy. They just do that
and that.

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Kick your leg like that at the same
time.

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See, like that.

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Oh, you're out now? Yes. Oh, look at the
time. I must be going.

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Here, hang on a minute.

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Can you swim?

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I'm a swimming instructor.

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Well, why didn't you jump in the river?

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It was my day off.

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In our studio this evening, we're very
proud and privileged to have with us...

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England's greatest naval hero, Admiral
Lord Horatio Nelson.

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I got the patch over the good eye again.

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Oh, good evening. Good evening.

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00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:53,830
First of all, may I ask you a question?
What do you regard as the most palpable

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consequence of your victory at
Trafalgar? Was it A, the total

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Bonaparte's rapacious annexations, or B,
the resounding validation of British

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00:12:02,110 --> 00:12:03,290
nautical preeminence?

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00:12:03,530 --> 00:12:04,530
Yes.

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00:12:06,690 --> 00:12:07,690
Yes what?

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You can ask me a question.

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00:12:10,190 --> 00:12:11,830
Yes. On the other hand... Yes?

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00:12:12,130 --> 00:12:13,410
I've got four fingers and a thumb.

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00:12:17,310 --> 00:12:20,130
Let me ask you about the Battle of
Trafalgar.

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00:12:20,330 --> 00:12:21,900
Oh! That was my famous victory.

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00:12:22,180 --> 00:12:23,860
You took the words out of my mouth.

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00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:25,360
I'm sorry, I didn't know you were
friends with him.

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00:12:26,880 --> 00:12:30,460
Although at Trafalgar you were
outnumbered 33 to 27, you still managed

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00:12:30,700 --> 00:12:31,900
Now, what do you put that down to?

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Expenses.

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00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:39,240
During the Trafalgar engagement, how did
you manage to divert the French and

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00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:42,240
Spanish warships? Ah, well, I had
something up my sleeve.

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00:12:42,740 --> 00:12:43,880
You could have fooled me.

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00:12:47,340 --> 00:12:49,200
It's just a joke you see about your
sleeve.

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00:12:50,820 --> 00:12:52,060
There's no arm in it.

220
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Do

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00:12:53,180 --> 00:13:02,540
you

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00:13:02,540 --> 00:13:04,440
know what I like about you? No, what?
Nothing.

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00:13:06,700 --> 00:13:12,120
It was during the Trafalgar engagement
that you sent off your most famous

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00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:14,720
message. England expects every man this
day to do his duty.

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00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,380
No, I didn't say that. No, what did you
say?

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00:13:16,580 --> 00:13:18,810
I said... Boat 24 coming a half an
hour's up.

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00:13:23,050 --> 00:13:28,510
And, uh, looking back on Trafalgar,
looking back on Trafalgar, what would

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have done if you'd been in Napoleon's
shoes?

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Limp.

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00:13:35,230 --> 00:13:36,230
Now,

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earlier in your career, I believe you
went to the West Indies, and while

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00:13:41,390 --> 00:13:43,730
I understand you came down with a very
rare tropical disease.

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00:13:44,090 --> 00:13:45,090
Yes, Joe Blaine's.

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00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:50,100
1993, you first met Lady Hamilton.

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That's right. And do you know what she
said to me? No.

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Correct.

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Please.

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00:14:00,980 --> 00:14:02,080
Please, please, please.

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00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:03,560
No, no, no. That's what I said.

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00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,260
Please stop messing about.

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00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:07,560
That's what her husband said.

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00:14:09,660 --> 00:14:13,240
Finally, Lord Horatio, I wonder if you
have any advice for any young viewers

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00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,100
may be watching and may be considering
taking up a naval career.

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00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:17,440
Certainly.

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00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:21,240
Boys, I think there's no greater life
than the sea. To feel the salt spray

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00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:24,880
coming over you and the deck heaving
under your feet and the waves going up

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00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:28,660
down, getting higher and higher, and
you're going up and down.

248
00:14:29,140 --> 00:14:30,500
Up and down.

249
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:32,340
Up and down.

250
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:34,340
Up and down.

251
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:36,280
Up and down.

252
00:14:36,640 --> 00:14:37,640
Up and down.

253
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:41,460
Great discoveries of our time.

254
00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:46,300
Tonight we salute the greatest force
ever harnessed by man, electricity.

255
00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:56,230
Good morning, madam. I come to read to
me, sir. Oh, yes, you know where it is.

256
00:14:56,410 --> 00:14:57,410
Yes, thank you.

257
00:15:08,510 --> 00:15:10,590
Now, once upon a time...

258
00:15:10,590 --> 00:15:17,330
Well, sir, madam, have you

259
00:15:17,330 --> 00:15:19,030
decided which fridge you prefer?

260
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:24,380
Well, we like the larger one really, but
before deciding definitely, I think

261
00:15:24,380 --> 00:15:26,880
we'd like to sleep on it. Of course,
naturally.

262
00:15:30,940 --> 00:15:34,960
Excuse me, could you show me how this
electric cooker works?

263
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:36,220
Oh, it's not electric, madam.

264
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:38,060
It works on North Sea gas.

265
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:39,280
Look, I'll show you.

266
00:15:50,410 --> 00:15:53,430
Good morning, madam. I'm from the
electricity board. I believe you made a

267
00:15:53,430 --> 00:15:55,190
over your last bill. Yes, that's right.

268
00:15:55,430 --> 00:15:58,050
Well, if there's any trouble, they
always send me along to settle it.

269
00:15:58,590 --> 00:15:59,810
Oh, God.

270
00:16:03,370 --> 00:16:05,270
Can you take recorder, Tommy? Yes.

271
00:16:05,630 --> 00:16:06,630
Great.

272
00:16:06,730 --> 00:16:07,730
I'll play it for you.

273
00:16:09,250 --> 00:16:12,550
Dear Mum, I'm fine. Love, Tommy.

274
00:16:13,530 --> 00:16:14,530
I'll play it back for you.

275
00:16:32,330 --> 00:16:33,730
Show the brightness down a bit, will
you?

276
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,230
What are you doing, love?

277
00:16:38,970 --> 00:16:41,950
Oh, it's all right, love. I'm just
wiring up your mum's Christmas present.

278
00:16:49,590 --> 00:16:52,070
Oh, you haven't put the light out.

279
00:16:52,690 --> 00:16:53,690
Well, it's your turn.

280
00:16:53,830 --> 00:16:56,110
No, it isn't. Now, go on, put the light
out.

281
00:16:56,550 --> 00:16:57,550
Well, all right, then.

282
00:17:11,790 --> 00:17:12,790
Good morning, madam.

283
00:17:12,869 --> 00:17:14,930
I've come to look at your meter. Oh,
there it is.

284
00:17:15,170 --> 00:17:16,170
Oh, thank you.

285
00:17:20,349 --> 00:17:22,589
What's that electricity meter for?

286
00:17:23,089 --> 00:17:24,089
I'm from the gas board.

287
00:17:44,259 --> 00:17:48,340
At last, at last, now for my experiment.

288
00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:52,320
Today I'm going to show them that they
were wrong when they laughed at me at

289
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:58,220
university because I said that man had
two natures, one good and one evil, and

290
00:17:58,220 --> 00:18:00,120
that there must be some way of releasing
the evil.

291
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,340
They laughed at Gladstone, but he went
ahead and invented the bag.

292
00:18:06,140 --> 00:18:08,820
They laughed at Wellington when he
invented the boot.

293
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:11,360
They even laughed at Jock.

294
00:18:22,540 --> 00:18:23,620
This potion will make me bigger.

295
00:18:23,820 --> 00:18:24,820
More powerful.

296
00:18:28,020 --> 00:18:29,100
More evil.

297
00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:32,940
Have

298
00:18:32,940 --> 00:18:42,600
you

299
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,380
ever had one of those days when nothing
seemed to go right?

300
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:47,440
I don't understand.

301
00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:16,819
quiz. A little quiz.

302
00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:18,020
What popular game is this?

303
00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:22,100
Greetings, salutations, and may your
poppadoms never perish.

304
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:24,540
Well, did you get it?

305
00:19:25,420 --> 00:19:26,420
Hide and seek.

306
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:32,900
I'm a new man now. I don't look.

307
00:19:33,180 --> 00:19:34,180
I look in the mirror.

308
00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:36,160
That's the wrong mirror.

309
00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:40,199
I've got no head.

310
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:41,200
Oh, it's the wrong way around.

311
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:44,780
Mirror, mirror in the hand.

312
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:46,420
Who's the is in the land.

313
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,500
Well, that's a silly question.

314
00:19:51,740 --> 00:19:52,740
Oh, it's hot in here.

315
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,200
That's my fiancée. She mustn't see me
like this.

316
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:29,840
beyond the forbidden bounds where no man
has dared to venture. How could I

317
00:20:29,840 --> 00:20:31,160
forget? No, no, no, no.

318
00:20:35,640 --> 00:20:39,480
Today, I have made the greatest
discovery since Madame Curie discovered

319
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:41,920
and since Michael Miles invented tedium.

320
00:20:47,660 --> 00:20:48,660
I'll show you, Alice.

321
00:20:51,860 --> 00:20:52,860
Oh.

322
00:20:53,580 --> 00:20:54,900
Now, in a moment, you shall see.

323
00:21:14,380 --> 00:21:15,380
I didn't write it.

324
00:21:15,620 --> 00:21:17,160
But I came to see the doctor.

325
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:19,300
Well, I'm his assistant, Mr Hyde.

326
00:21:19,540 --> 00:21:22,400
Are you a qualified doctor?

327
00:21:22,980 --> 00:21:23,980
Of course I'm qualified.

328
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:26,080
I go to six hospitals a week.

329
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:27,780
I'm a very sick doctor.

330
00:21:29,340 --> 00:21:31,560
I'll examine you. Oh, please do, doctor.

331
00:21:31,820 --> 00:21:34,300
Because every time I do this, it hurts.

332
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:35,520
Well, don't do it.

333
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:38,540
Cough. Cough.

334
00:21:39,040 --> 00:21:40,019
And again.

335
00:21:40,020 --> 00:21:41,060
Got a nasty cough there.

336
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:44,520
into the covers and you get green
stamps.

337
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:46,620
What sort of medicine will I get?

338
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:47,840
I've just told you, green stamps.

339
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:49,880
But what good will they do my spots?

340
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:52,260
Well, you can cover them all over with
green stamps.

341
00:21:52,620 --> 00:21:55,020
But what happens when I'm covered all
over in green stamps?

342
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:56,720
Well, then I hand you in for a frying
pan.

343
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,040
Take this out for breakfast.

344
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:02,939
What is it?

345
00:22:02,940 --> 00:22:03,940
Lunch. Oh.

346
00:22:04,980 --> 00:22:05,980
Right, next.

347
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,300
Come on, get on with it, you great fool.

348
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:09,560
All right, all right, all right.

349
00:22:09,580 --> 00:22:10,720
Right, it's Jekyll's turn now.

350
00:22:11,700 --> 00:22:12,700
Where's the lotion?

351
00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:13,720
Where's the recipe?

352
00:22:15,180 --> 00:22:16,180
Get on with it.

353
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:25,980
What have

354
00:22:25,980 --> 00:22:31,740
I done? What have I done?

355
00:22:33,420 --> 00:22:38,420
This vile liquid courses through my
every vein.

356
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,900
Oh, that this too -too -solid flesh
would melt.

357
00:22:42,909 --> 00:22:45,750
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew.

358
00:22:46,990 --> 00:22:48,070
My life is done.

359
00:22:48,690 --> 00:22:51,450
My race is run, so told the ghostly
bell.

360
00:22:52,030 --> 00:22:53,250
My end is nigh.

361
00:22:54,130 --> 00:22:56,530
Yet ere I die, I cry.

362
00:22:57,190 --> 00:22:58,250
Oh, flipping hell.

363
00:23:00,210 --> 00:23:03,830
But you're supposed to be my alter ego,
my other self. How can we both be here

364
00:23:03,830 --> 00:23:04,829
at the same time?

365
00:23:04,830 --> 00:23:07,290
Well, if I wasn't here, how could we do
the song?

366
00:23:07,870 --> 00:23:08,870
After you.

367
00:23:09,930 --> 00:23:10,769
I'm Dr.

368
00:23:10,770 --> 00:23:11,770
Jenkins.

369
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:19,740
You've been welcomed to the show. And
I've reached a brand new low.

370
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:21,260
Absolutely, Dr. Jeff.

371
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:22,840
Positively.

372
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:51,920
Yeah.